Past Lives Through the Looking Glass

I was reminded recently of some pretty fun and fabulous chapters in my life.  Having coffee with a friend, suddenly the life I had 20 years ago came back to me.  What the hell was I thinking letting it go like I did?  I guess I wouldn’t be who I am and where I am today if I hadn’t taken the paths I did…but why did I have to take so damn long to figure out I was LOST?  Yes, I was lost.  Not just on a random path…totally, undeniably lost.  I wasn’t even me.  In fact, over a span of 20 years, I became everybody but me.  D’oh!  There’s a cosmic two-by-four whack on the head.

What happened to throwing a dart at a map to decide where to live?

What happened to driving cross-country with two cats and a ferret roaming free in the car?

What happened to cooking noodles over a propane stove in a dark apartment after the ’89 Loma Prieta quake and getting the news via phone from friends in NY?

Suddenly in life something happens and we forget who we are.  WTF?  Why would we trade freedom for a virtual life?  Why would we allow others to dictate who we are?  I still don’t know the answers to those questions…my best guess is alien abduction, because I know I couldn’t have been that stupid.  Then again…walking through MUNI tunnels at night dodging trains wasn’t really all that bright.  Hmmm….

So what happens?  How do we suddenly lose ourselves?  Looking back it seemed to be so sudden, but maybe while it was happening it was more gradual.  It sort of sneaks up on you like those first few gray hairs.  Well, if you’re reading this looking for answers, sorry, I have none for you.  I don’t know how it happens or even why it happens.  It just does.  One small decision after another.  Decisions that I knew didn’t feel quite right, but in the grand scheme of things, couldn’t possibly affect my life that much.  NOT! 

Every little decision made has a grand impact on how life plays out.  I remember this every day now.  Every little thought, idea, choice… it all matters.

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